Teacher, Waitress and real estate agent

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone


Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
Submitted by Jim Sperling


The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replys, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."
[source link]

Johnny

Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Submitted by Mahmoud Zeidan


When I want to teach the colors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
Submitted by Maria Crisitna Codorniz


Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Submitted by: Elise Owen, Dalian China
[source link]

Elephant, a call and punishment

A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
Submitted by Joe, from Indiana


A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.


PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó
[source link]

School and Fool !

Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
Submitted by Maria del Pilar Villlegas Martinez


Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
Submitted by Bernadette Kelly


A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Submitted by Cláudia Almeida
[source link]

Youngesters and the snail

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.


A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
Submitted by Steve


A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.


Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó
[source link]

Doctors

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
Submitted by Sean McLoughlin


Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
Submitted by: Irene Pellegrini


Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
Submitted by Marco Morales, Mexico
[source link]

Girl, mice and a doctor !

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
Submitted by Bob Waldman



A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
Submitted by BH LEE


My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"


The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.
Submitted by: Adriana Luchetti
[source link]

The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son. 
B: Does he smoke? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: Does he drink whiskey? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: Does he ever come home late? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? 
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
[source link]

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

provided by: Comedy Central

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

Provided by: Kmankoolman

Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog. 

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs. 

For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs. 

For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg. 

As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off. 

provided by:Idrissi Mouhssine